Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.


And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at a time!

Dog as Teacher


If a Dog Were the Teacher..  you would learn stuff like:
>
> When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
>
> Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
>
> Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
>
> When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
>
> Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
>
> Take naps. Stretch before rising.
>
> Run, romp, and play daily.
>
> Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
>
> Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
>
> On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
>
> On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
>
> When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
>
> No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
> pout.... run right back and make friends.
>
> Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
>
> Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
>
> Be loyal.
>
> Never pretend to be something you're not.
>
> If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
>
> When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
>
> And finally: Never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.

lol

* BRAK JE ONO STO DOLAZI POSLIJE ZIVOTA, A PRIJE SMRTI.

* PARNA MASINA JE PRONADENA, ZASTO NIJE BILO MOGUCE DA SE PRONADE NEPARNA.

* MINERI, PADOBRANCI I DIJEVICE GRIJESE SAMO JEDNOM.

* NE BUDITE PRAZNOVJERNI. TO DONOSI NESRECU.

* PUSENJE TI SKRACUJE CIGARETU.

* NITKO NIJE BESKORISTAN. SVATKO MOZE POSLUZITI KAO LOS PRIMJER.

* DANAS JE SVE TEZE BITI IDIOT. KONKURENCIJA JE SVE JACA.

* MENI NE TREBA PLAVUSA. I JA SAM NA MOMENTE GLUP.

* CIJEV JE SIPKA KROZ KOJU JE PROVUCENA RUPA.

* ZENSKI POKRET JE PRAVA STVAR, NAROCITO KAD JE RITMICAN.

* ZIVI KAO DA TI JE SVAKI DAN POSLJEDNJI, I JEDNOG CES DANA BITI U PRAVU.

* MIJENJAM SOBNU LAMPU ZA DVOSOBNU.

* TKO JEDE NE BOJI SE GLADI.

* BOLJE SEST SATI U SKOLI, NEGO NE SPAVATI UOPCE.

Oglas za test nosečnosti:

http://www.funpic.hu/fun-bin/picviewe.cgi?pic=ot6963&kateg=


ARS

Dekle si je ogledovalo umetniske slike v moderni galeriji.
Nekoliko pozorneje si je ogledala tri slike, ki so bile obesene ena poleg druge.
Na prvi je bil zazgan kruh, na drugi sliki dekle z otrokom v narocju,
tretja slika pa je prikazovala utopljenca na bregu reke.

Ko je mimo prisel kustos, ga je vprasala: "Kaj pa predstavljajo te slike?"
"Slike so narisane na temo: Prepozno so ga izvlekli!" ji je pojasnil kustos.

The following are actual answers provided by 6th graders during a history test.
(Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. Even funnier read aloud!)


1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Po koncu protokola so Busha, ki je obiskal Slovenijo, vprašali, če ima
še kakšno posebno željo pa je rekel, da bi zelo rad videl Vinka iz Logatca.
Tudi Putin je imel enako željo ob obisku Slovenije in je želel pozdraviti
Vinka iz Logatca.
 
Počasi se je direktorju KLI Logatca, kjer je bil Vinko zaposlen, vse skupaj
zdelo že malo preveč, pa ga je poklical v pisarno.
 
Šef: "Ja Vinko, kako to, da te Bush in Putin poznata?"
 
Vinko:" Ah, to ni nič takega! Dosti potujem, pa srečujem ljudi..."
 
Šef: "Pa dobro, ampak stavim, da papeža pa ne poznaš osebno."
 
Vinko: "Ah, kaj da ne! Seveda ga poznam."
 
Šef: "Tega pa ne verjamem. To boš dokazal."
 
In je šel KLI Logatec na sindikalni izlet v Vatikan.
 
Komaj je Vinko stopil iz avtobusa, že je od daleč slišal papeža vpiti:
"oooo, Vinko, kje si! Dolgo te nisem videl!" Vinko je pohitel do papeža
in prav prisrčno sta se objela in trepljala po ramenih.
Naenkrat nastane pri avtobusu panika in Vinko takoj pohiti nazaj k avtobusu.

Na tleh leži njegov šef, ki je omedlel.
Ko se po nekaj trenutkih spet zave, ga Vinko zaskrbljen vpraša, kaj se
je zgodilo.

Šef: "Veš kaj, Vinko, vse sem prenesel. In to, da poznaš Busha, in da
poznaš Putina. Tudi za papeža ti zdaj verjamem, ampak ko je pa Japonček zraven
mene rekel "Kdo je pa tisti z belo kapco poleg Vinkota iz Logatca?", je bilo
pa preveč."

lp