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Smeh na račun moških in žensk
24.06.2003 at 00:10:09
 

Sori, res se mi ne da prevajat ... smejat pa zmeri;
pa zihr še komu, na naš račun, ali pa na račun moških.  Wink


Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving HER money, furs and diamonds.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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ARS
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #1 - 24.06.2003 at 00:12:00
 

Quiz for Men

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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ARS
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #2 - 24.06.2003 at 00:13:34
 

Men are like... Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like... Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like... Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like... Fine wine.
They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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ARS
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #3 - 24.06.2003 at 00:18:11
 

"There Is No Way to Please a Man"


If you don't let him kiss you, you don't love him
If you let him, he thinks you are cheap

If you praise him, he thinks you are pressuring him
If you don't, he thinks you don't care

If you agree to all his wants, he is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding

If you want to be romantic, he thinks you want a sugar daddy
If you don't, you are plain and boring

If you visit him too often, he thinks you want to get married
If you don't, he worries about new boyfriends

If you put makeup on, he accuses you of flirting
If you don't, he thinks you look like a housewife

If you are jealous, he believes "It's natural for men"
If you don't, he thinks "He can have his cake and eat it too"

If you want a gift of flowers, he thinks "Its a waste of money"
If you don't, he thinks you don't deserve it

If you come early, he thinks you are an irony lady
If you don't, he thinks "That's a girl's way"

If you want an ambitious man, you are pushy
If you don't, you don't care about his future

If you help him out, his ego is injured
If you don't, his feelings are hurt

If you make more money than him, he cannot marry you
If you don't make any, he wants someone else

If he make a suggestion, he wants you to agree
If you don't, you are being difficult

If you say "no", he thinks you mean "try again"
If you don't, he has no respect for you
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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ARS
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #4 - 24.06.2003 at 00:30:48
 

Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A: Because men keep telling them that this |<---------------------->| is 12 inches.  
 

Ja, star je, ampak tko luštkan ...
Grin  
ARS
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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ARS
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #5 - 24.06.2003 at 09:06:20
 
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #6 - 27.06.2003 at 03:09:48
 

Kako govoriti o zenskah in biti politicno korekten:

1. Ona ni RIBA ali PICKA temvec PRSATA DRZAVLJANKA.
2. Ona ni LAHKA temvec je HORIZONTALNO PRISTOPNA.
3. Ona ni NEUMNA temvec je ZASLA IZ INFORMACIJSKE AVTOCESTE.
4. Ona ni PRAZNOGLAVA temvec je V RAZKORAKU Z REALNOSTJO.
5. Ona ni PIJANA temvec je KEMIJSKO INTOKSINIRANA.
6. Ne rece se ONA BI SE DALA DOL temvec ONA JE SEKSUALNO FOKUSIRANA.
7. Ona nima SILIKONA temvec je MEDICINSKO OBOGATENA.
8. Ona ni KURBA temvec je SEKSUALNO EKSTROVERTIRANA.
9. Ona nima CUDOVITE RITKE temvec je REKTORALNO SUPERIORNA.
10. Ona nima BRK temvec je v KONTAKTU Z MOSKO NARAVO SVOJE SPOSOBNOSTI.
11. Ona ne KUHA SLABO ampak je MIKROVALNO KOMPATIBILNA.

Grin
ARS
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #7 - 02.07.2003 at 08:24:37
 

Pride nekega dne zenska v lekarno pa rece lekarnarju: "Jaz bi prosim imela dozo arzena!"

Pa pravi on: "Gospa, arzen je hud strup. Kaj pa bi vi radi naredili z njim?"

Ona: "Ubila bom moza!"

Lekarnar: "?? Gospa, jaz vam arzena ne morem prodati, sploh pa ne, ce imate taksen namen z njim!"

Pa ona brez besed iz torbice potegne sliko in jo prisloni na steklo, ki loci lekarnarja in njo.
Na sliki seksata njen moz in lekarnarjeva zena.

Pa pravi on: "Joj gospa, se opravicujem. Nisem vedel, da imate na recept!"
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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ARS
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #8 - 02.07.2003 at 09:48:04
 

Zaposlila se mlada sekretarica, i po zavrsetku prvog radnog dana direktorja radi boljeg upoznavanja pozove u restoran na rucak. Poslije rucka, ona njemu predlozi da odu u kino. Nakon kina,on nju povede u obliznji kafic na cugu. Iza toga ona njega pozove kuci na veceru. Poslije dobre vecere, koju je ona pripremila, pri tome obucena u prozracnu kucnu haljinu, uzbudi se direktor i oni se opale. Iza seksa, direktor zaspe i negdje oko ponoci se probudi i pocne trcati po stanu trazeci svoju odjecu, jer mora ici kuci gdje ga ceka vrlo ostra zena. Pri tome probudi svoju sekretaricu i rece joj da mu hitno nadje komad krede. Imala zenska u priboru za sivanje kredu, dade mu ju, on ju zatakne za uho i odjuri kuci.

Kod kuce ga doceka uzbudjena zena. Pa gdje si bio do sada? upita ga ljutito.

Znas zeno, dobio sam novu sekretaricu. Poslije posla sam ju izveo na rucak, pa smo isli u kino, pa u kafic na cugu, a onda me je ona dovela kuci, pa smo se dobro izjebali, ali sam zaspao, i kada sam se probudio, brzo sam se obukao i dosao k tebi.

Mars, pizda  ti materina lazljiva, rece zena, bio si ti na kuglanju, evo ti jos kreda ostala za uhom!
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #9 - 02.07.2003 at 13:19:27
 

Luštna mladenka sedi sama v kavarni.

Moški od sosednje mize prisede in vpraša:

"Oprostite, ali vas lahko povabim na pijaco?"

"Kaj? A v hotel?" ona zavpije na ves glas.

"Ne, ne, to je pomota, sem vas hotel povabiti na pijaco!"

"Kaj? A v hotel?" zavpije ona ponovno na glas.

Osramoceno se mladenic zavlece v najtemnejši kot kavarne.
Cez nekaj casa pride mladenka k njemu.

"Opravicujem se vam za prejšnjo sceno,
ampak študiram psihologijo in testiram obnašanje ljudi v nepredvidenih situacijah."

Moški jo pogleda in zavpije na glas, tako da sliši cela kavarna:
"Kaj, a 200 Eurov?!"
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #10 - 04.07.2003 at 01:30:10
 

Moja životna priča


Kad sam imao četrnaest godina, nadao sam se da ću jednog dana imati devojku.

Sa šesnaest godina imao sam devojku, ali nije imala strasti, pa sam zaključio da mi treba strastvena devojka sa životnim žarom.

Na faksu sam se zabavljao sa strastvenom devojkom, ali je bila suviše emotivna. Sve je bilo dramatično, bila je kraljica drame, sve vreme je plakala i pretila samoubistvom. Tada sam zaključio da mi je potrebna stabilna ličnost.

Sa 23 našao sam veoma stabilnu devojku, ali je ona bila dosadna. Bila je potpuno predvidljiva i nikad se nije uzbuđivala ni oko čega. Život je postao toliko dosadan da sam zaključio da mi treba malo uzbudljivija devojka.

Sa 24 godina našao sam uzbudljivu devojku, ali nisam mogao da držim korak sa njom. Jurila je od jedne stvari do druge, nikad se nigde ne zadržavajući. Činila je lude iznenadne stvari i činila me je isto toliko jadnim koliko i srećnim. U početku je bila zabavna i vrlo energična, ali nije imala nikakav pravac. I tako sam odlučio da nađem devojku koja ima jasne ciljeve.

Kad sam napunio 26 godinu, našao sam pametnu, ambicioznu devojku, koja je stajala čvrsto na zemlji i nju sam oženio. Ona je bila toliko ambiciozna da se razvela od mene i uzela mi sve što sam imao.

Sad sam stariji i mudriji i tražim devojku sa velikim sisama.
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Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. (neznan(a)
 
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #11 - 04.07.2003 at 09:20:42
 
Grin   Grin   Grin   Grin  Roll Eyes   Grin  Grin   Tongue
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Think P O S I T I V E
WWW WWW  
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #12 - 04.07.2003 at 12:26:03
 
PRLJAVA MASTA
U pocetku sam bila uplasena. Bio je sirok i vrlo dugacak. Na njemu sam neprekidno isla gore i dole. Stvarno mi se svidelo.

Danas se stalno vozim liftom.

Prvo sam ga stegnula nezno pa onda i malo jace. Bele tecnosti je bilo sve vise i vise. Prinela sam ga ustima. Tecnost je uletela u moja usta i pocela sam da je mesam jezikom. Bio je to cudan i nov ukus za mene. Uskoro, doslo je vreme da ispljunem.

Tako je bilo kada sam prvi put probala kaladont.

Lezao mi je u ruci. Bio je vrlo dugacak i nekako tanak. Vukla sam ga kroz prste dok nisam dosla do kraja. Upalila sam ga. Odjednom je ocvrsnuo i jedan kraj mu se navlazio. Nakon par vestih pokreta moje ruke, pocelo je da kulja sa njegovog kraja.

Onda sam uperila smrk ka basti i pocela da je zalivam.

Znala sam da moze da se uradi. Zelela sam to ali nisam znala da li cu uspeti. Pozvala sam prijatelja. Rekao je da zna kako se to radi i da ce da me nauci. Obavio je ruke oko mene i poceo. Nervozno sam ga gledala u ogledalu. Konacno je svrsio i polako se udaljio. Osetila sam olaksanje, znajuci da je gotovo.

Mrzim kravate.

Izgledala je toplo, mracno, socno i izazivajuce. Nisam bio siguran sta bih sve mogao da radim s njom. Pazljivo sam je rasirio da bih bolje video sta je unutra. Samo sam zeleo da je prislonim ustima i pocnem da jedem.

Ipak, pre toga sam sipao i kecap na moju pljeskavicu.



Hja, kaj ste pa vi mislili ...................!                      LP                            
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
 
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #13 - 05.07.2003 at 08:30:22
 
Pride ena gospa srednjih let v trgovino z orožjem, pa si ogleduje pištole pa zmajuje nad cenami, poj pa vpraša trgovca:
"A mamo mogoče uboge bodoče vdove kej popusta?"

Sem glih spet spravla v življenje en moj stari priljubljeni vic (primeren današnji življenjski situaciji):
Vprašam bivšega moža:"Posluš, Joža, zakaj pa moj prijatelj cik-cak po dvorišču teče?"
Pa zagode Joža nazaj:"Tih bod pa hiter še en patron dej."

Grin
Mi je hči včeraj prebrala zanimivo misel iz enega priročnika za mlada dekleta:
Zakaj so fantje  višji od deklet?
??
Ker plevel zmerom više zraste kot pa nežne rožice...
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Ljubezen ozdravlja vse - tiste, ki jo dajejo in tiste, ki jo prejemajo.
 
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Re: Smeh na račun moških in žensk
Reply #14 - 05.07.2003 at 11:24:21
 
V vsakem veselju, je kanček grenkobe!, je dejal zet, ko je dobil račun za taščin pogreb.

                       

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