==========
The Buddha
==========


2.1 Who was the Buddha?

   The Buddha, originally called Gautama, was a young Ksatriya of
   comfortable means who became disillusioned with his bourgeois
   existence and set out to find himself.  He adopted an austere way of
   life, even abandoning his Doors tapes - certainly not standard
   procedure for those on similar quests.  Eventually, he achieved
   enlightenment, whereupon he became known as "The Buddha," "The
   Enlightened One," or, to his friends, "Budd Light."

2.2 Isn't it silly having so many names for one person?

   I'm sorry.  I can't argue unless you've paid.

2.3 Wait, what about the "Buddah?"

   He spends his time hanging out with Ghandi in New Dheli.  Munching on
   gerkhins, no doubt.

2.4 Is the purpose of this newsgroup to insult the Buddha?

   No.  However, since the last thing the Buddha wanted was veneration,
   perhaps we are insulting him by not insulting him.  You have deeply
   troubled us.


=============
Buddha Nature
=============


3.1 What is Buddha nature?

   As that prominent Buddhist, Louis Armstrong, said: "If you have to
   ask, you'll never know."

3.2 Does X have Buddha nature?

   X does, but you don't.  Exception: if X is Rush Limbaugh, he doesn't
   and you do.

3.3 Could you repeat that?

   Yes.

3.4 Hey, I heard a great Buddhist joke...

   Yeah, we know.  Let us tell it to you instead:

   A zen student walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one
   with everything."

   But we have a better ending:

   The vendor then proceeds to throw the student to the ground and
   shoved a Hebrew National, all-beef, kosher hot dog with Bob's Own
   Zesty Vegetarian Chili into the student's left nostril while
   screaming, "Do you know how many times I've heard that one?!?!"

   The hot dog is enlightened.

3.5 OK, wise guy, then how many Zen masters does it take to screw in a
   light bulb?

   A tree in a golden forest.

3.6 So Master, is the soul immortal or not?  Do we survive our bodily
   death or do we get annihilated?  Do we really reincarnate?  Does our
   soul split up into component parts which get recycled, or do we as a
   single unit enter the body of a biological organism?  And do we
   retain our memories or not?  Or is the doctrine of reincarnation
   false?  Is perhaps the Christian notion of survival more correct?
   And if so, do we get bodily resurrected, or does our soul enter a
   purely Platonic spiritual realm?

   Your breakfast is getting cold.

3.7 Walking along a crowded sidewalk a wanderer noticed an old man with a
   bottle in one hand and a wooden bowl in the other, sitting against a
   wall and shouting, "Alms for the thirsty!"  As the wanderer
   approached, the man took a long drink and repeated his plea.

   Reaching into his pocket, the wanderer pulled out a coin and placed
   it in the bowl.  Instead of the usual response - thank you, bless
   you, or mere silence - the man peered up and said, "Remember one
   thing, boy.  Zen is not a philosophy.  Zen is not a religion.  Zen is
   just a damn attitude."

   The wanderer laughed and said, "Thank you."

3.8 Rene Descartes walks into a bar and has a drink.  The bartender asks
   him, "Would you like another?"  Descartes pauses and says, "I think
   not," and promptly disappears.

  The bartender is enlightened.

3.8 So, Enlightened One, are you able to affect the physical universe in
   a way fundamentally different from that before starting your
   meditation practice?  I mean, can you forecast the future precisely,
   move distant heavy objects by thought, emit high-power radio or
   ultraviolet waves, etc.?

   Better yet, I can hop on one foot.

3.9 A funny thing happened in the bookshop today.  I was looking in the
   New Age section for Zen books.  They were spread all over the place.
   I turned to the assistant behind the counter:

   "Excuse me?"
   "Yes, sir?"
   "Why aren't all the books on Zen together?"
   "Because Zen has nothing to do with itself, sir."

3.10 Can one make an offering of one's Buddha nature?

    If I say "yes," I am lying.  If I say "no," I am lying.  So, "No,
    but a technical "yes", although "yes" really doesn't make much
    sense.  So, "no."

    And if I say "maybe," SQUISH!  Just like grape.

=======================
Quotes from Our Readers
=======================


NOTE:  If you try to be deep, you're not.  If your quote gets included
      here even so, rest assured we know you tried and we're laughing at
      you.  You know who you are.  So do we.

Which quotes make up this section are solely determined by karma,
divination, sun spots, and the whim of the keeper of the FAQ.  Remember,
fame can be a dangerous thing.


Tim Larkin, March 31, 1993

  Truth and falsehood are both whatever, and simultaneously not so,
  rather than not.

Peter da Silva, April 24, 1993

  That was Zen, this is Tao.

From the Sundays at Moosewood Cookbook, April, 1993

  Don't abandon Jambalaya if you don't want to make the roux.

David L. Coffey, May 28, 1993

  ZEN IS...Joyfully walking a never-ending path that does not exist.  On
  a sojourn to a destination that does not exist.  The delusion of your
  joy and the delusion of your existence are the only true reality.

Forrest Cahoon, July 7, 1993

  Uh...the Tao that can be posted...er, uh...never mind.

R. J. Mulroy, August 24, 1993

  Courage, serenity, and wisdom are just dry grass.

John C. Abbe, aka Rademir, November 2, 1993

  Nyah nyah, you're more enlightened than I am!

Mike "still watching t.v." Renning, February 9, 1994

  It's not nice to fool Buddha Nature!

Johan van Zanten, March 21, 1994

  I imagine that someone who is enlightened is more like a lighthouse in
  the distance, rather than a net cast about you.

John Morton, March 21, 1994

  Given the choice of buddha nature or a dog biscuit, is there any doubt
  which one a dog would choose?

Scot Carpenter, March 28, 1994

  Don't put Descartes' before the horse...

Luke C. Bairan, May 13, 1994

  The precepts are like a scaffolding used to erect a building, once the
  building is up we remove the scaffolding.

Bill Keyes, June 3, 1994

  Now put one of my damn quotes in the FAQ!!!!

Nova Spivak, June 26, 1994

  I don't care how many levels of reality you posit, as soon you posit
  even one, it's turtles all the way down.

Atanu Dey, July 24, 1994

  Greater vehicle, lesser vehicle, no matter.  All vehicles will be
  towed at owner's expense.

Lefty Redux, July 26, 1994

  Sneeze-grass weasel pump, mustard-ice zymotic; farflung perturbation,
  Cassiopoeia waistcoat sasquatch.

Jacob Hamm, August 24, 1994

  Would you awaken if you were to Awaken while you were asleep?

Bill Keyes, October 2, 1994

  FAQ!!  FAQ!!!  Put this one in the FAQ, Alf!

Jimbear Huddle, October 9, 1994

  We're Buddhists, ma'am.

Scott Pugh, October 11, 1994

  I worry that I am just bread to the pop culture circuses.

Andrew Boniface, November 6, 1994

  Emptiness is form.  Then some bureaucrat expects you to fill out the
  form with a #2 pencil.

Austin George Loomis, November 13, 1994

  Why does every bunch of Followers turn their particular Leader's path
  to Truth into an excuse to administer that path in suppository form?

Dar Westlake, February 14, 1995

  Say, anyone know the correct way to twirl a dorje?

Bob Knight, February 25, 1995

  I have a yen to be bamboo:  it's full of knots, dies suddenly and is
  eaten by pandas.

Bill Marcum, February 26, 1995

  Do you feel enlightened, punk?

Mike Renning, March 15, 1995

  It's nice to know we can convince even the official news routers that
  we're bogus.

Mike Renning, March 30, 1995

  Yanni is begging for the headsack.

Ernst Berg, May 19, 1995

  alt.buddha.short.fat.guy: living the electronic buddhist way to a
  crazy cajun beat and you want flowers?

Johan van Zanten, May 19, 1995

  I think you need to watch less television.  Either that or more
  television.

Bill Keyes, aka the Ferret-Meister, June 19, 1995

  If only we can get rid of the "Buddhism" part of American Buddhism, we
  might just have something useful.

Bill Atwood, July 2, 1995

  How much is that Dogen in the window...

Bill Keyes, July 9, 1995

  Ponder?  Ponder.  Ponder!

Rob Young, July 10, 1995

  Here's a ritual I perform every morning before I leave the house:  I
  offer myself a five dollar bill, due to the generous, helpful, and
  compasisionate nature I show.  Then I accept the five dollars in the
  spirit of generosity, helpfulness, and compassion.  Then I slap
  myself.  After that, I'm pretty much ready to face the day!

  On the mornings I don't have a five dollar bill in my wallet, I just
  slap myself.

Dar Westlake, July 11, 1995

  Between buddhists and taoists, they know we're deluded and we know
  they are.  Seein' as both are correct, what's the problem?

Jacob Hamm, July 28, 1995

  Maybe we are just how reality does introspection.


===============================
The a.b.s.f.g Banned Words List
===============================


7.1 Children (as an epithet)

7.2 Attachment (though we don't care too much about this one)

7.3 Stopping Thought (our motto, but don't say it)

7.4 Oreo's (after 10 p.m. PST)

7.5 Kalpa (this will be removed from the list after a kalpa)

7.6 Alf's ex-girlfriend's mother (ack! poo!)

7.7 Sangha (time to switch to decaf)

7.8 Lineage (AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH) (!!!!)

7.9 That's excellent, X!  (especially where X == Alf)

======================================
All aBout wayS oF pronouncinG the name
======================================


Much recent debate has focused on how to pronounce the abbreviated form
of the name of the group, "a.b.s.f.g."  Here are some suggestions for you
to ignore as you make up your own pronunciation:

B.1 ay-be-ess-eff-gee

B.2 Ab's Fig

B.3 alt-dot-buddha-dot-short-fat-guy

B.4 ah-BOOSH-fig

B.5 Dupreeville


==============
Net, What Net?
==============


B.1 Alf's a.b.s.f.g WWW Page

      http://www.epix.net/~alf/absfg/

B.2 El Dupree's Tex-Mex Cantina and Sports Bar,

      http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/chulbe/absfg/absfg.html

B.3 Rabbit's a.b.s.f.g archive

      ftp://ftp.teleport.com/pub/users/rabbit


===========
Dupreestock
===========


On September 3, 1994, Madison, Wisconsin was the site for an amazing event.
The Middle Coast Association of Renegade Buddhists, Martian Quilters, Home
Brewers, and Pickle Canners' 129th Annual Picnic, Orgy, and Family Reunion
Potluck, or

                           DUPREESTOCK '94

Thus began a tradition many thousands of seconds old, bringing light, love,
and spicy food to a nation hungry for other things.  Hundreds of
people were in the University of Wisconsin's Memorial Union (MU) on that
day (although only about 20 of them actually attended the festival - most
were at the bar in the basement or at the wedding reception down the hall).

  He was short.  He was fat.
  And he wore a silly haa-aat!
  And he's got to get his ferret
  Back from that Viiii-iiiixen!

  By the time we got to Dupreestock
  We were haaaalf a doZen strong
  And everywhere was a gong
  And a meditaaaaaation!

  And I dreamed I saw Sombrero Grande
  Riding shotgun in the van
  Turning into the best man
  At the receeeeption!

     - Jim "Rockin' Bear" Huddle

Posters by a.b.s.f.g's resident mom, Sari Stiles, sold like hotcakes, and
had doubled in value just a week after the event (not all posters increase
in value, some go down, but the Committee has judged this poster to have an
excellent chance to provide a significant return on your investment).  
Commemorative bumper stickers by Alf the Poet can now be found on cars,
lampposts, and restroom walls all over the country.

Bob Mu's pickles and Spicy Veg Chili kept things lively, as did the
meditational tapes donated by Rama and the American Buddhist Society (there
was unanimous agreement on the quality of the music and inspirational sound
bites).  Just as inspirational were Johan van Zanten's hair (judged Best in
Show) and Bill Keyes' magnificent ferret hat!

Major league kudos from everyone to Bob Mu, who organized the event and
provided lodging for just about everyone.  Bob's contribution cannot be
measured but in kalpas.

Plans are already under way for next year's event, which we hope will
culminate in the traditional "co-ed naked bungee jump of peace," jointly
performed by Tipper Gore, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Charo, and His
Halitosis El Dupree.  With all the publicity we anticipate, we expect at
least 22 people to attend next year's festival!

So be there for The Middle Coast Association of Renegade Buddhists, Martian
Quilters, Home Brewers, and Pickle Canners' 128th Annual Picnic, Orgy,and
Family Reunion Potluck, DUPREESTOCK '95!

======================================================
On June 3, 1995, Milwaukee, Wisconsin was the site for another amazing
event.  The Middle Coast Association of Renegade Buddhists, Martian
Quilters, Home Brewers, and Pickle Canners' 128th Annual Picnic, Orgy,
and Family Reunion Potluck, or

                           DUPREESTOCK '95

Also known as Dharmapalooza Midwest, the even drew a huge, uh, handful of
people.  The battle cry for this year's event was "Pewaukee, ho!" after
Sari Ellen Trinlay Stiles gave out the wrong directions to the site.
Activities centered around food, NeoLuddites, food, "a really wild video
thing," food, and talk about SCA [ed. note - akin to reggae, SCA is a
musical style combining the rhythms of the Carribbean with old English
folksongs; musicians wear dreadlocks and armor as they do battle using
crossbows and steel drums].  Musical entertainment by Joleen Stiles was
well receieved as she played her hits, Mary Had a Little Lamb and Hot
Cross Buns, in a leather jerkin and chainmail.  In addition, Joleen was
running around in an attempt to get moving fast enough to become shorter
and fatter.  However she apparently had not changed in size by the end of
the day.

Once again, postes by Sari were the hit of the event.  A large volume
were sold, and more can be ordered by sending a check or money order for
U.S. $13.50 to Sari.

Of course, there was also food:  Tortilla chips, cheese dip, bean dip,
salsa, cheetoes, onion bagels with garden cheese, and cheese pie, and
apple pie, and cherry pie, and chocolate silk pie, and... and... soda...
and... well, everybody ate pretty well.

The following was chosen as the event's representative poem:

  We met as sparks - diverging flints
  Sent various, scattered ways -
  We parted as the central flint
  Were cloven with an adze -
  Subsisting on the light we bore
  Before we felt the dark -
  A flint unto this day, perhaps,
  But for that single spark.

     - Emily

Plans are underfoot for a Dharmapalooza 2.5, perhaps in September.  And,
of course, next year's Dupreestock promises to be, uh, well, there will
be one, anyway...


================
Acknowledgements
================


There are so many people to thank, and so little disk space.  Here
goes...

  - The original a.b.s.f.g "founders," Lindsey Durway, Terry Smith,
    Brian Rice, Mary Ellen Paul (and her plastic cardinal), and anyone I
    might have missed, for their vision
  - Brian Rice, for asking me to take over the FAQ back in early 1993
  - Dave Anderson, for contributing artwork for the web pages (even if
    he may not know he did)
  - El Dupree, for keeping his stink far, far away from me
  - Tortilla Dupree, for you know what (heh)
  - Everyone who reads and/or contributes to a.b.s.f.g, for their
    kindness and inspiration

=========================================================================
Anything authored by Alf is copyright whatever year this is by Alf the
Poet.

If you're a lawyer, this will interest you:  All trademarks mentioned
in any document created by Alf are the property of their respective
owners.

Nobody guarantees anything at all about what you find here.  You may
freely copy and distribute any portion of any document created by Alf the
Poet as long as you

  a) place this entire notice (spaces too!), or a pointer to it, in any
     copies you make
  2) make no modifications (you're not that clever)
  D) receive nothing in return (except the joy of sharing)

Violating these requirements will result in, well, just heaps of really
bad karma.  We know where you live.
=========================================================================